You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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