my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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