I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
