ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
