Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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