Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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