I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
