I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
