I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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