Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
