I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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