I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
how drunk are you?
Several
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
