girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
