we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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