totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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