and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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