I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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