i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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