Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
