Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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