why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
