i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
