I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
