last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
time to smoke my breakfast
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
