I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
