Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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