I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
This girl is more easily done than said...
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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