VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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