but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
