I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
