don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
