And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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