she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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