My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My vagina is officially offended.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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