Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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