Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
