I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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