does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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