I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize