bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
