I wannas sexs uuuuu
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
