so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
