It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
