I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
