Umm I'm too high to move.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
