i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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