Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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