It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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