We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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