I just saw a hot homeless man
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
