why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
