I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
