Less talking, more tequila
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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