so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
handjob tips. give me some.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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