I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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