Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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