i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
