Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
