I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i think i have two assholes
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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