How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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