Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
