did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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