Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
