discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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