yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Randomize
