If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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